Naming new
baby
How To Name Your
New Baby
Naming new
baby:How To Name Your New Baby
One of the hundred million things new
parents have to do is pick out a name for the baby, preferably before the child
reaches his or her 18th birthday, if for no other reason than it is very
difficult to register to vote when you are only known as “Baby Smith”.
Picking a name is a little trickier and more important than you first think.
You want your child to be successful and confident in the world. You want your
child to take charge of life and be able to face others and make good first
impressions. It is for this reason that very few children are named “Roscoe”
anymore.
Naming new
baby:Now, before I start getting email and nasty comments from
hundreds of people named Roscoe (as if someone named Roscoe could use a
computer!) I want to assure you that I think there is absolutely nothing wrong
with the name Roscoe if you never want your child to be anymore than a truck
mechanic or run a roadside barbecue pit in Kentucky. And with a name like that
you can easily save money on clothing because you know there are plenty of
bowling shirts and overalls at your local Goodwill that already have the name
“Roscoe” stitched right on them. I mean, are there any astronauts named Roscoe?
How many nobel prize winners have been named Roscoe? I’m too lazy to actually
check this, but I’m pretty sure the number is right around zero, give or take a
few.
So how do you go about picking a baby name?
The big trend in naming
babies these days is picking a common name and then giving it some sort of
“alternative” spelling which breaks most of the common sense rules of the
English language. For example, one of the trendiest new boys name is “Dylan” but
that’s a very traditional spelling. Modern parents would likely use one of these
alternatives:
* Dillon
* Dillan
* Dylin
* Dillllllen
*
Dil8an (the 8 is silent)
* Roscoe
If you really want to be on the
cutting edge of baby-naming (and, really, who doesn’t?) then you’ll make up some
sort of name using the parts of various other popular names. For example, the
top ten very popular girl names right now are: Emily, Emma, Hannah, Madison,
Olivia, Grace, Elizabeth, Abigail, Samantha and Alexis. A truly progressive
parent would come up with one of these variations:
* Emmadison
*
Grolivia
* Abixis
* Elizabigailexisamanthannah
* Samadison
*
Roscoe
If you’re still having a hard time picking out your baby’s name,
you’re not alone. There are, however, a lot of different ways to go about it.
Naming new
baby:Lots of people turn to books to suggest names for their babies
and it’s pretty evident who these parents are when we have little Zeus and
Jeronin digging with shovels in the sandbox while Lucritia and Saranese are
playing jacks on the sidewalk.
If books aren’t your thing then maybe you
should turn on the television for a few hours and simply write down every name
you hear and think if any of those sound good to you or not. Being selective is
the key here. No matter how pretty your daughter is she probably won’t be named
prom queen if she’s named “Larry King” or “Spongebob”.
Lastly, you could
always look back into your own family history and name your baby after a
particularly important relative. If you don’t have any particularly important
relatives, then aim to name your child after a particularly old and rich
relative. Hey, it never hurts.
Now that you’ve finally picked out a baby
name you can relax, right? Wrong! Far from it!
This is your first chance of
many to screw with people’s minds. You’re going to be a parent soon and your
mind-screwing ability is going to have to be pretty top-notch. Do you think it’s
going to be easy to get a three-year old to go to bed on time every night? Heck,
no! You’re going to have to tell all sorts of fantastic stories about monsters
coming to get him or killer robots enslaving the world if he doesn’t get to bed
at a decent hour.
Really, one can argue that most of child-raising is based
on the idea of tricking the little buggers into doing what you want them to do.
So get used to pulling this sort of stunt. You’re going to be a parent. It’s
your duty now.
You see, the last thing you want to do is pick out these
great baby names and then tell you friends and family because they’ll
immediately make comments like “Oh, are you sure about that?” and “Oh… that’s….
interesting…” and “Oh, dear God!!” And then you’ll be forced to listen to hours
and hours of stories about why the name you like for your baby is all wrong and
why you should really name the baby “Dillynn”.
No, what you need to do is
now spend some time picking out the worse possible names you can possible think
of and beginning telling people that those names are what you’re going to give
your child. For example, let’s say you found the perfect baby name. You should
keep the name to yourself and tell everyone you know that you’re going to name
him “Englebert Horatio” with a straight face. You’ll earn extra credibility if
you buy a few bibs with “Englebert” stitched on them. Tell your parents how
you’re planning on calling him “Eggy” when he’s young.
This way when your
baby is born you can surprise your friends and relatives with a the real name
and make them all sigh a huge, collective sigh of relief (except for aunt Jane
who alread purchased a silver baby rattle with the initials “EH” engraved on
it).
This will especially please the person you named your new baby after -
your old rich uncle Roscoe.
